


Smaug's Mighty Bitch-slap

by fluffbuttcas



Category: Lord of the Rings - Fandom, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Gen, Implied Bilbo/Thorin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2013-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-05 06:13:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1090574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffbuttcas/pseuds/fluffbuttcas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this is purely a crack!fic. I'm very sorry. <br/>implied Thorin/Bilbo if anyone cares.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smaug's Mighty Bitch-slap

Thorin and his homies, Bombur, Bifur, Bofur, Ori, Nori, Dori, Dwalin, Balin, Kili, Fili, Oin, and Gloin, were bitchin' around at the Dale mall on a sunny Durin's day afternoon. The place was filled to the brim with dwarven men and women alike, all eager to get in on the huge jewelry sale taking place at the recently built Macy's. Thorin just had to get there first; he claimed that he'd face an agonizing death full of disgrace and torment if some traitor managed to reach the pendant he'd been coveting forever before he could. His rad clique moved through the mall at lightning speed, swag on their side. Thorin could see the shop that held his beloved pendant. His eyes glittered with anticipation. Despite what one might think, shopping wasn't all just fun and games. A shopper--especially a jewelry shopper--could never know when a necklace would be snagged from their grasp, or a bracelet stolen from their bag. This travesty had caused the death of his dear grandfather, Thror, years ago. It had happened in the very same store he was approaching, on a day not unlike the present one. Thror had held the pendant, held its smooth, shiny surface, gleeful with the knowledge that he'd be the coolest motherfucker in the city with this hanging around his neck. Then the unthinkable occurred. A fugly, rude-ass bitch named Smaug (an older shopper, a bit on the heavy side and very hot-headed) ripped the jewel right out of Thror's beautiful, manicured clutches. Shock dulled Thror's senses, and he was driven to the ground by grief alone. Thror tried to get up again and again, but Smaug just kept bitch-slapping him, over and over. Before five minutes had passed, Thorin's grandfather was dead. It was rumored that the pendant was still there. This was why Thorin had to get to it first, or somebody was gonna die. He reached the store, homies trailing behind him, panting. A really short dude was looking intently at a golden ring in the front of the store. He was kind of cute, Thorin thought. Behind him was someone he recognized. Someone big who was sweating a lot. Gross. Smaug. Quickly, acting on pure instinct, Thorin ran up to the cute guy looking at a ring. "Hey, can you do me a favor?" he asked with a wink, voice sultry and deep. "Um, okay," replied the cute guy. "Could you grab that white, shiny pendant from that sweaty guy over there?" The cute guy looked at him in confusion. "I'll pay you five dollars," Thorin offered. The guy shrugged. "Deal." Thorin and his homies crouched behind the shelves and display cases, waiting, watching. They heard noise, and then talking, and then a sound that brought terror to all of their hearts. A bitch-slap. It was starting again. Thorin stood up and saw the guy lying on the floor, being mercilessly slapped by his grandfather's murderer. Thorin was pissed off. "HEY, MOTHERFUCKER!" he bellowed at Smaug. Unsurprisingly, Smaug turned to look at him. "You want this, bro?" Smaug asked rudely, sweat running down onto the floor. Thorin whispered to his clique. Suddenly, they cheated across the store and started beating that bitch up. Bilbo took the pendant, jumping out of th way. "THAT'S PAYBACK FOR TAKING MY FUCKING JEWELRY," Thorin bellowed. "YEAH, WHAT HE SAID," yelled Balin. After Smaug lay dead on the floor, Bilbo returned the pendant to Thorin. They passionately made out. The End


End file.
